The funeral

After some time the nurse came back in and took our son to clean him and make a foot cast.  I was just numb, I was abandoned by God , and my husband and I just did not know how to cope.  When the nurse came back she talked with Will over what we wanted done with our son.  Did we want to call a funeral home or have him disposed of as medical waste.  MEDICAL WASTE????!!!!!  My son is NOT medical waste.  That still stabs me to think of that option, but I guess if you do not have the means to take care of your loved one, that is the only option.  I would rather take him home and bury him than leave him there.  But that was probably illegal.  Will called our local funeral home and arranged to have him picked up.  While we were waiting we had a visit from an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  I had never heard of them and at the time I can tell you I did not want to talk to her.  She was there to take pictures of us with our son.  I was so unappreciative and angry.  I HATED this person who made me pose with my dead son.  You can really see it on my face.  All I wanted to do is lay down and die...I did not want to pose with my son.  I just wanted to join him. Of course later I was so profoundly grateful to be able to have those photos.  They are my torture and my solace.  If you are ever looking to give to a wonderful organization that is the one.  I just pray you will never have to use their services. 
     Too soon they sent us home.  I just was not ready. I wanted to be sedated for the rest of my life so I did not have to face going home without our son. It was November 17, 2007 a Saturday.  My husband and I did not say much on the long ride home.  I was relieved to have his company but we were both immersed in our own hell at the moment.  Suddenly we were two people who shared the worst knowledge possible.  Our child was dead and we were left behind.  How can you feel such terrible pain and live?  It would be one of many many days and nights I prayed to die.  It seemed the only way to stop the unrelenting pain.  On top of it I spent the next couple nights with terrible shaking chills and sweats.  My body's reaction to the sudden drop in pregnancy hormones.  I shook like I had a fever.  It was made worse because of my menopausal condition. 
    The next day Will took care of the task no father should have to do.  He went to see the funeral director about burying our son.  Because of the holiday our son would have to be buried very soon.  Right before Thanksgiving.  While the world would be celebrating a holiday giving thanks for the blessings in their lives, we would be burying our only child.  We were so far away from being thankful for anything in our lives. 
     The worst part was the timing.  While Will's family would be there, mine was busy gathering for the holiday and would not come.  I had none of my family present for my son's burial.  I would be lying if I said that did not hurt alot.  Will's Father and Mother flew in to be there which is pretty incredible in itself since Will's Mom does NOT fly.  I cried when they came.  I was so relieved our son would have family there.  My closer friends all came to pay their respects, either at the wake or the funeral.  God Bless them. 
     The day of the funeral I felt moved to talk about our son, talking about how much his short life changed mine in every way.  We were very blessed to have Will's brother Christopher, who is an assistant pastor perform the funeral.  Something he said that day has stayed with me.  He said our son passed to heaven as a pure soul, not stained by sin or life's struggles.  I never did tell him how much I really liked what he said.  I was still too angry at everything.  Even some strangers showed up for the funeral or payed their respects.  Some were from our small town, there to support us.  Some I think were just curious about the death of a child.  There I sat, still in shock and not even wanting to face the burial of our son.
     The day of the funeral was very very cold as only a Nebraska winter can be.  It suited my mood though.  Bitter, that was what it was..and what I was.  It was cold and windy and the snow was blowing sideways.  At the cemetery we gathered unsure how to start or end.  I asked my dear friend Carey Allgood to sing Amazing Grace.  Her voice is amazing and I am very grateful to her for that.  After, we released white balloons with blue ribbons into the snowy day.  They flew off quickly getting lost in the snow.  It was over.
     This is where my husband and I started sobbing.  I have never seen my husband cry.  Only when our son died, and he sounded so hearbroken.  We both did. Everyone left to go to the reception while we just stayed in our truck crying and holding eachother.  Nothing has ever hurt that badly.