When we arrived at the hospital the physician on duty told me they were not able to handle any complications associated with my procedure and pregnancy. She did take a look and tell me everything looked ok. While she was out of the room looking at some blood tests she asked the nurse to help me to the restroom to do a urinalysis. I went to the bathroom and peed in the cup then felt an urge to pee again and a gush of fluid came out. My heart stopped because as inexperienced as I was, I knew what happened. My water broke. I started yelling and everyone came running. My husband looked so worried I started to cry. As they were trying to calm me and get me back on the table the doctor went to call an ambulance to take me to Omaha to the hospital an hour away. We found out that we would have to meet them, as they were too far away. My poor husband was terrified he would have to deliver our son along the highway. We flew down the highway to meet the ambulance in a town half way to Omaha. The entire time I was crying and waiting for the cramps to start. The beginning of the end for our son! I had all kinds of thoughts of my cervix tearing and my husband and I helplessly attending the birth of our son alone on a highway. Of course it did not go that way at all. We did reach the ambulance safely and my husband was relieved to hand me over to the emt's. The siren of the ambulance sounded like the wailing in my heart. The devastation I felt at failing our son was suffocating me.
Dr Smith met us at the delivery ward and took a quick look and told me yes my water broke. They did an ultrasound to measure the fluid left and it was not good. He told me the fluid could regenerate if the hole sealed by itself, or I would continue to leak fluid. He said that when this happens only a small percentage of pregnancies continue beyond a week. To give me hope he did say that some do make it into 26 weeks. He was also very honest about the strain not having enough fluid put on our son. He now had to deal with not floating around harmlessly but enduring the weight of my internal organs compressing him. I also had to deal with the threat of infection, which now was increased dramatically and the fact that now when he kicked me there was no water cushion. It hurt like hell. Still I would have endured much worse to save him. Here is where the bargaining with God started in earnest. Please God, I prayed, save my son!!!
As days passed and it turned into a week my hope returned and I was sure we would make it. It was now 23 1/2 weeks...so close to the safe zone and steriods!
My wonderful husband was always by my side. He commuted 2 hours to work and back and only slept at the hospital. He brought me movies, books and magazines and amused me with his wonderful sense of humor. My best friend Shannon visited often to help cheer me up. She was so happy that I was going to be a Mommy!
One evening close to 24 weeks gestation I started feeling some sharp pains. They did not feel like cramps but like a burning sharp pain. It would come and go and I could not sleep so the nurse checked to make sure I was not in labor and gave me a safe sleeping aid. My husband was at work and tried calling me and only got the nurse. When she told him I was having some pain and had been given a sleeping pill he left work and raced to my side. I was surprised to see him when I woke up! He said he was worried, and I told him that it was nothing. Well it turned out the nothing was something. My contractions had started and I did not even know it. The nurse kept checking with the monitor and they never registered, but by 2 am it was pretty obvious it was labor. The pains kept coming faster together until even I knew what was happening.
The nurse brought my doctor and they moved me into a delivery room. By 8am I was in full horrible labor and moaning for pain meds. They gave me something in IV which did absolutely nothing and then sent for the eppy team. My doctor decided to remove the cervical stitches and my son was going to be born whether I wanted him to or not. All I remember about the actual delivery was them telling me to push and my refusal to push him out of my body. I just did not want to kill my son. Finally I had no choice, my body took over and there he was. He weighed 1 pound 1 oz and was 11 inches long. The silence was deafening. I was swallowed up by it. They rushed him to the preemie team and it seemed like forever that he was gone. Twenty minutes later they brought him back and told me they were unable to do anything, his lungs were just too immature. They handed him to me and he gasped and moved until he died in my arms. I will have that picture forever. My son trying to breathe and dying gasping in my arms. It was a trauma I do not wish on anyone. I held him for a very long time, howling my pain. The sound was so awful. I had an out of body experience, seeming to watch the whole scene and hearing those awful sounds I was making. My husband just held us. His shock and trauma was as deep as mine.
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