A day passes in hours marked by my crying. I cannot sleep and stay awake all night crying and looking at my son's blanket, beanie and photos. I smell the blanket and beanie hoping it smells like my baby, but it only smells like the hospital. Will seems ok but I know he is hurting. Little did I know how much.
The day after that I stay in bed sobbing and my husband comes in and lays down to hold me. He tells me he does not want to live. I am floored, he seems so strong. He handled everything when I could not. I look at his face expecting to see a man who just said those words to express his pain. I see determination to make it happen and I know instantly he is serious. I start crying harder and harder. Suddenly it seems I am losing the only person who can even fathom the depth of the pain. It is a selfish thought. I will be left alone suffering the loss of my child and my husband. I am terrified too. Will owns a pistol and it would be very easy to use it right now. We both lay there, me crying and he immersed in his pain. As soon as I can speak I get angry at him and tell him he is NOT leaving me alone to deal with all this. I told him, if he goes he has to promise to kill me first. I cannot suffer this without him. He is the only thing that gives me even a tiny bit of solace. He remains silent and I keep begging him to take me with him. He doesn't say anything at all, but I feel his acceptance. He just cannot express it.
To this day I do not know how close he came. It is a wound I do not want to open. Maybe some day when we are old he will tell me. Until then I respect his wish to not discuss it. I don't think any man wants to talk about their weakness.
Later that day we are still in bed, unwilling to face anything or anyone. A thought pops into my head and I tell my husband that maybe we should seek counselling. Maybe a professional can give us some good reason not to blow our brains out.
No comments:
Post a Comment