My beloved son,
I love you so much I ache with it. From the minute I saw you on the ultrasound I fell deeply in love. There you were so small and perfect, waving your arm like you were saying hello. Maybe you were reaching for me, knowing somehow you would only briefly feel my touch. I hurt so badly. Even though I know I am not the only mother to ever suffer such sorrow, I feel so alone. I would give my life to have you here and getting your chance to live. My body betrayed you my son, and for that I can never forgive myself. There are so many what if's. What if I had known sooner? What if we had not chosen the cerclage? I blame myself for your passing. If I had only known. I will think of you every day for the rest of my life. Wondering what kind of person you would have been. You were so small and perfect in every way. When you were born, I thought immediately how you looked so much like your Aunt Roben, and your grandfather. You are the child I always wished for. You would love knowing your father. He fought so hard to save you. When others would have given up, he would not accept that there were no options to try and save you. He was the hero a child should have in a father. I will try to honor your life by not being so angry, but it is hard. I AM angry. I hate when other people say everything happens for a reason. What reason could there be for my son to die?? I hope you are happy and in a beautiful place, safe with your grandparents. I dream about you alot, being safe with them. I was laying down to sleep one night and before I fell asleep, I saw an older man..like in a black and white movie...he was smiling and then I saw a rose bud unfolding, slowly, then I saw you. It felt like a message from your great grandfather. He was letting me know I was loved by my son. Be happy, my son, and I just want to tell you that I was amazed at how hard you fought to live. Through it all you tried so hard. You fought until the last, trying to breathe through lungs undeveloped. I think you would have been a very strong person. I hope you remember the sound of my voice, not the crying horrible sounds of the day you died, but the singing and laughing and conversations I had with you while we were on bedrest, when I lay my hand gently on you and sang you lullabyes. I sang you every one I knew. I love you Robert, I cannot wait to see you again. Until then, I will see you in my dreams. Kisses, sweet baby.
Your Mommy.
